Example: How to talk when when things turn aggressive

Below is an example of an exchange between a parent and the BDP Advice for Parents GPT.

Parent

My BPD child is being physically and verbally abusive, shouting obscenities and putting holes in walls. I’m not sure what to do

BPD Advice for Parents

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you’re facing with your child. It’s important to remember that while managing a child with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be complex, there are effective strategies you can use to improve communication and behavior.

1. Prioritize Safety: First and foremost, ensure the safety of everyone in the household. If the situation escalates to a point where safety is a concern, don’t hesitate to seek immediate help from local authorities or crisis services.
2. Stay Calm and Consistent: In the face of aggression, try to remain as calm as possible. Reacting with similar intensity can escalate the situation. Aim for a consistent and predictable response to their behavior.
3. Set Clear Boundaries: It’s crucial to establish clear boundaries regarding acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Communicate these boundaries to your child calmly and firmly. Make sure that these boundaries are consistent and that consequences for crossing them are known and also consistent.
4. Use Validation Effectively: Understanding and acknowledging your child’s feelings can be very powerful. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with the behavior, but it does mean recognizing their emotions. For example, “I can see you’re really angry right now and that’s okay, but it’s not okay to put holes in the walls.”
5. De-escalation Techniques: When your child is upset, try to de-escalate the situation by giving them space, speaking in a calm and soothing voice, and avoiding confrontational body language.
6. Seek Professional Support: Engaging with a therapist who specializes in BPD can be beneficial. They can provide specific strategies tailored to your child’s needs. Family therapy might also be helpful in improving communication and addressing underlying issues.
7. Educate Yourself and Your Family: Understanding BPD deeply, its symptoms, triggers, and management strategies can greatly improve how you handle situations. There are many resources available including books, online materials, and support groups.
8. Take Care of Yourself: Dealing with these situations can be draining. Ensure you have a support system for yourself, and don’t neglect your own mental and physical health.
9. Communication Techniques: Techniques like SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) can be helpful. For instance, when your child is calm, you might use this technique to communicate your concerns and feelings.

Remember, while these suggestions can be helpful, it’s important to use your best judgment in any given situation. Every child and situation is unique, and what works for one might not work for another. If you’re finding these incidents are becoming more frequent or severe, it’s important to seek professional help. Would you like some examples of how to word delicate questions or initiate a conversation about this topic?

Parent

My son is now a big person, and so his physical outbursts are scary and I fear that his loss of control and punching the wall could become a threat to my safety in a moment of impulsivity. I’m not sure if I should call the authorities or talk him down

BPD Advice for Parents

Dealing with a physically imposing child who is having aggressive outbursts, especially in the context of BPD, is understandably very challenging and can be frightening. Balancing your safety, their well-being, and the parent-child relationship requires a careful approach.

1. Safety First: Always prioritize safety for yourself and your child. If you ever feel that the situation is becoming dangerous or you fear for your safety or that of others in the home, it’s important to call the authorities. It’s not an easy decision, but sometimes involving trained professionals is necessary to ensure everyone’s safety. Remember, calling for help is not a failure on your part; it’s a responsible action to manage a difficult situation.
2. Crisis Plan: Develop a crisis plan for these situations. This should include knowing when to call for help, having a safe space in your home, and having contact information for crisis services readily available. Inform other family members about this plan.
3. De-escalation Techniques: In moments of heightened tension, using de-escalation techniques can be helpful. This includes maintaining a calm and steady voice, not challenging or confronting the aggressive behavior directly, and giving your son space if it’s safe to do so.
4. Boundaries and Consequences: It’s important to communicate (when he is calm) that there are boundaries that cannot be crossed. Discuss the potential consequences of his actions in a calm and non-confrontational manner.
5. Professional Intervention: In cases where physical aggression is a recurring issue, it’s crucial to involve mental health professionals. They can provide strategies to manage these outbursts and work with your son on impulse control and other BPD-related challenges.
6. Support for You: Consider seeking support for yourself as well. This might be in the form of a therapist, support group, or trusted friends and family. Managing your own stress and emotional well-being is key in these situations.
7. Empathetic but Firm Communication: When he’s calm, try discussing the issue using empathetic but clear and firm language. Acknowledge his feelings and struggles while also stating your concerns for safety and the need for managing his behavior.
8. Use SET Communication: When talking to your son, the SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) approach can be useful. For instance, “I understand that you’re feeling really upset (Empathy), and I’m here to support you (Support), but it’s not safe to express your anger by punching walls (Truth).”

Remember to use your best judgment in any given situation. Every day is different, and adapting your response to the specific circumstances is important. Would you like examples of how to phrase conversations or specific questions to address this issue with your son?